How Can We Wish Well for Someone Who Hurts Us?

How Can We Wish Well for Someone Who Hurts Us?

This is one of the most practical questions in the spiritual practice taught by Tartam Vani. When someone hurts us, insults us, betrays us, or treats us unfairly, the mind naturally reacts with anger, resentment, retaliation, or a desire to withdraw. But the path of love shown by Tartam Vani does not ask us merely to suppress these reactions. It invites us to understand and transform them.

“Koi det kasālā tum ko, tum bhalā chāhiyo tin.
Sarat Dhām kī na chhoḍiyo, surat pīchhe phirāo jin.”

Meaning: If someone causes you pain, treats you harshly, or creates difficulties for you, do not wish them harm. Continue to wish for their well-being. Do not allow another person’s behavior to make you lose the remembrance of Dhām or the certainty of your original relationship with the Beloved. And do not allow your surat—your inner attention and awareness—to keep turning backward toward resentment, reaction, revenge, or the person who hurt you.

Here, “Sarat Dhām kī” points to remaining aware of Dhām and remembering our original relationship with it. “Surat pīchhe phirāo jin” gives us a remarkably practical instruction: do not keep sending your attention back to the person who hurt you and repeatedly reliving what happened. Keep your surat turned toward the Beloved. Wish well even for the person who caused you pain, but do not make that person’s behavior the center of your chitvan. Do not lose the remembrance of Dhām or allow your attention to turn away from the Beloved.

How can we actually live this teaching? Its practical wisdom can be understood in five steps.

1. First observe your own mind, rather than the other person’s faults. When someone gives us kasālā—pain or distress—our first task is to notice what is happening within us. Is there anger, hurt, wounded pride, expectation, fear, or insecurity? The first purpose of chitvan is not to change the other person but to become aware of our own inner state. The question “What is happening within my chitta?” may be more transformative than repeatedly asking, “Why did that person do this to me?”

2. Remember that every person acts from their present level of awareness. Tartam Vani encourages us to look beyond merely blaming the individual and to recognize the ignorance or lack of awareness from which harmful behavior may arise. How can someone living in inner darkness easily share light? Just as a person suffering from illness may sometimes speak harshly, a person caught in ignorance, fear, anger, or ego may cause pain to others. Seen this way, the person need not become an enemy in our heart. We can recognize harmful behavior without turning the human being into an object of hatred.

3. Remember your original identity. If I identify myself only with the body and ego, an insult can feel overwhelming because it appears to attack “me.” But if I remember my deeper identity—my spiritual relationship with the Beloved—then another person’s words or actions cannot alter that original relationship. Tartam Vani therefore repeatedly brings us back to the fundamental question: Who am I? This remembrance begins to cool the fire of reaction.

4. Love does not mean accepting injustice. This distinction is essential. Wishing someone well does not mean allowing them to continue harming us. Wrong behavior can and sometimes must be stopped firmly, truthfully, and with appropriate boundaries. Forgiveness does not require us to call wrongdoing right, restore trust prematurely, or remain in a harmful situation. The principle is simple: discernment in our actions, compassion in our heart. We may say “No,” establish a boundary, seek justice, or distance ourselves when necessary—without allowing hatred to take possession of our inner life.

5. Through Chitvan, turn from the offender toward the Beloved. A deeper practice of chitvan begins when we learn to look at difficult circumstances from the perspective of the Beloved. We can ask: What is this experience revealing to me? What hidden reaction or attachment within me has come to the surface? What can I learn from it? What would a consciousness rooted in Shri Raj Ji’s love and wisdom see here? At this point, reaction can gradually begin to transform into understanding and compassion.

A Simple Example

Imagine a young child who, in anger, strikes his mother. The mother certainly feels the physical pain, and she may firmly stop the child. Yet she does not necessarily begin to hate him. Why? Because she sees something deeper than the act itself—she sees the child’s immaturity and inability to manage his emotions.

Tartam Vani invites us to cultivate something of this mature vision toward others. This does not excuse harmful behavior. It enables us to respond to it without allowing another person’s ignorance to create hatred within us.

A Chitvan Practice

Whenever someone gives you kasālā, instead of reacting immediately, pause for a few moments and inwardly pray:

“Beloved, my mind is disturbed right now. Help me see not only the other person’s fault, but also what is happening within my own heart. Remind me of who I truly am and of my original relationship with You. Give me the wisdom to stand for truth and maintain healthy boundaries without carrying hatred in my heart. Give me a love that can recognize ignorance without hating the person caught in it. Keep my surat turned toward You.”

The Essential Insight

The love taught by Tartam Vani is not mere sentimentality. It is love grounded in remembrance. When remembrance deepens, compassion becomes possible. With compassion, forgiveness becomes easier. With forgiveness, the chitta becomes clearer. And in a clear chitta, chitvan of the Beloved can become steady.

So the teaching is deeper than simply saying, “Love the person who hurts you.” It is saying:

“Do not let the person who hurt you take your surat away from the Beloved. Remain rooted in your original relationship, act with truth and discernment, wish well for the other person, and do not allow their behavior to determine the state of your heart.”

I have kept kasālā, surat, and chitvan in transliteration where the English equivalents alone would lose some of the original Tartam meaning.